i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
