and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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