Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
