I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
