don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
