I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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