Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
