I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
