I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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