Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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