i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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