8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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