You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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