I puked a lego.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
