I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You ate ashes out of my bong
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
