I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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