"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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