you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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