ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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