I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
