Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
