Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
