I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
