I can't breathe out the right side of my face
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
