hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It's never too late to be topless.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
