My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
