gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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