I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
