I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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