oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
