It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
