First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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