Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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