I heard we made out
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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