Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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