batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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