No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
