I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
