If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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