Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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