i wish starbucks made bloody marys
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Randomize
