Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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