i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
