I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Randomize
