Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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