you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
