I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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