just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
