This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
