Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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